?

You know, the pain drifts to days, turns to nights. But it slowly will subside. And when it does, I'll take a step. I'll take a breath and wonder what I've found. Feel what I'm saying. Got my mind meditating on love. The human condition. Check the meaning. Guess it's life, doing it's thing, making you cry, making you think. Yea, life, dealing it's hand, making you cry and you don't understand. Making you think. Of pain. The human condition. Big decisions. -Richard Ashcroft

Thank You For You

You're still here whispering, but the truth is still ringing in my ears
And yea, I got the message.
The part of me always missing made it loud and clear.

And I wish that I regretted you
And that I wanted to forget.
But you changed me, made me whole, made me truly let go

And now our fates our intertwined
And part of your heart I keep locked wholly in mine

I imagine our lives lived out with each other but try not to
For I know this means never moving on from the "us" that is just me in love with you

I retrace any of the times when I think it started to go wrong
But I'm left remembering our beautiful existence that never even lasted that long

The deep engravement of you is chiseled on my soul, coalesced with my breath, braided into my thoughts
I never even realized I was being overtaken by you
I certainly never imagined having to deal with this loss

I love you like I will never love another
My heart beat with yours unlike any other

But I am so thankful that I was able to feel that way
It was all worth it to feel like yours for even our brevity of days

I am plagued with the thought that I might never feel that deep again
Maybe it's true that I'm destined to never be the wife, but eternally the friend
-ABH-

A Short Story

...So she removed his glasses and he looked over the edge for the first time and saw a beautiful world of vibrant colors. His weary eyes had never beheld such things, and with such clarity. The sun had never shone in those tired eyes, he never knew that they were capable of seeing such light. "I am eternally grateful to you for making me see!!" he cried. She kissed his eyes and felt truly happy for the boy. Then suddenly, terror came across his face. He reached far behind him to grab the glasses. "What's wrong? Why do you reach for those when you are now able to see?" she asked with confusion in her face. "I'm so sorry," the boy replied, "This is all so beautiful and wonderful, but dear lady, I am no good at this task. And I miss the comfort the dark brings." And so, with her shoulders rolled forward and head held low, she walked away, confused, saddened, and disappointed that the boy couldn't appreciate the light he had been shown. She had brought the light with her and placed it gently back into it's box where she locked it and threw the key into a raging river that ran beside where she walked. "Never again will I share this with eyes that can't see," she thought to herself. She took several steps forward but remained where she was standing. No matter how many steps she took, she remained there, with the boy still within speaking distance. Using her bare hands, she began to claw at the earth beneath her. She dug and dug. Her hands did not tire and she was determined to claw her way far enough beneath the earth where the boy could no longer see her, for she was now somewhat ashamed of the light she carried. Finally, after what must have been days she thought, she had found her way to where she could no longer see the sun above her head. She felt the calm of being alone in the cool, damp earth. Just her, the soil, and the box. It was then that she realized there was no way for her to climb back out, yet she wasn't frightened, only tired, so tired. She lay her head over and let the comfort of quiet stillness pass over her and her eyes drifted close. And at that moment she thought of the boy and how now they were both in the darkness, together. And she smiled.
-ABH-

Still Here

Waiting for the breath to return to my lungs
Desperate for my clouded heart to let in the sun

I am broken and can't find my pieces and I admit I've lost the desire
Can't keep up with this race in my mind
Feel like I'm running, going nowhere and it keeps me so tired

I fell for you and it seems I can't get up
Left down here feeling not quite good enough

You've made my food lose it's taste
I eat because I should
I am filled up with the memory of your face

I felt something break when you said you need to get over me
Pictured you building a bridge over this tumultuous sea

My desire to love has been stabbed
I never again want to feel this deep, this vulnerable,
impoverished, depleted, and flat

Time and again you hurt me with the word "distraction" thrown in my face
It seems that's a role I fulfilled for you
My only place

I'm so sick of having anyone's pity, and coming from you the biggest wound to my pride
Bleeding my starving heart, making sure it doesn't get what it desires

I don't want to move on
I love you too much to even breathe
It's not just my new found allergy to tequila and has only a small thing to do with this heat

This misery and torture unnerves me
These words that I write are not just words
This is my heart pounding, head turning, blood flowing
This... is my hurt
-ABH-

Just These Small Things

Please don't make me get over you
I promise to lay quietly still
Please let me lie inaudibly beneath you
For I'm sure that I am strong enough willed

I won't ask but a few small things from you dear
You won't even notice this pitiful ghost
If you could let it just shadow you on lonely days
It promises to make sure and not get too close

My body simply asks to revel in your presence
And picture visions of you pumping it's veins
It implores you to let it keep pretending
It's not lying in our sweet love's remains

My days can't stand the din of our silence
They've become far too used to our sound
So they ask as your eyes dance over your stories and verses,
"Would you once in a while read some pages aloud?"

My ears entreat you to hear your voice my love
You see, they have no way to even reply
My arms would like to pretend they can still wrap around you
When clouds form blue rain drops in your eyes

My fingers beseech you to let them dance with your brushes
And curl themselves around your palette with care
They'll maybe feel your creative frustrations
And it'll be like your fingers are there

My mouth is by far the most demanding
It refuses anything less than what it had
Perhaps you could just humor it with yours every so often
Only so it is not overwhelmingly sad

It's becoming quite clear to me I'm no good overseeing this dreadful task
So please sir, may I be excused?
There must be thousands better than these
Willing to work at this and leave me undisturbed and bemused
-ABH-

Tumultous Ambivelance

Precious love, I dearly hate you
Precious love, you're done wrecking my head
Precious love too long I've let you
Fool me with the sweet words you've said

Dear friend I truly despise her
Dear friend have fun being played
Dear friend I hope you enjoy her
Once she's done playing games with your head

This girl loves to play the fiddle
This girl who must steal the show
Dear girl I'm tired of the middle
Take your treat, wag your tail, and just go

Dear love I'm sick of your false confessions
Dear love I forfeit your game
Dear love, your false words disgust me
I'm done with you find a new pliable aim

Sweet words you mean nothing to me
Sweet words you're dust in the wind
Sweet words you're the best taste in my mouth
Until I realize you're nothing but air again

Delicious kiss you're the ultimate fraud
Delicious kiss I wish I could forget your taste
Delicious kiss my mouth must forget you
For all your passion was a waste

Divine memories please leave me
Divine memories float out of my head
Divine memories, please God help me
Make up some bad ones of you instead

Dear "us" you're especially hurtful
Dear "us" can't believe you had the gall
Dear "us" I refuse to walk toward you
For you just like to laugh when I fall

Evil end I knew we'd be reunited
Evil end I thought I'd let you go
Evil end I truly hate you
Just thought you might like to know
-ABH-

Who Needs Rescuing?

Stuck in misery's purgatory I sludge through these days not knowing what to feel
Up but mostly down, sometimes happy but mostly sad, torn over which is real

A snail's pace of moving on but staying put and trying to decide which half of the fork to travel
Keeping my sanity perfectly intact as the ends are lost, it steadily frays and unravels

Missing your face but trying to force it out of my head.. yet make it stay
Wanting to do nothing but run to you yet trying to crawl any other way

Being forced to keep remembering the day we met, my yellow sweater, "hey you"
Hearing your voice, touching your skin, "you're not so tall", getting drunk off all the new

I can't escape you even at night when I lay on my right side to not feel my heart pound
I scream and cry, my blood pounds my head to wake me from my dream's awful sounds
-ABH-

By Your Window

So no, you didn't expect me
The sun, the rain, or the storm
Well, I never anticipated feeling each of those in your arms

Maybe I came when I did just to make you smile
or to deflect some of your pain
Or maybe what happens every moment we're together
is as unexplainable and rare as the sun beaming down through the rain

I don't know what to tell you to do now
I can't explain how this got so swiftly so deep
This isn't like me
But I've been besotted by you by day
and by night you permeate my sleep

So I don't know what to make of your words
It wasn't my intention to make you decide
I'm so sorry that I can't keep my patience intact
and suppress all these feelings inside

So to say that I'm changed by you as well
and that I'll never be the same isn't enough
You've torrefied my soul my love
I've given up fighting the flames
-ABH-

Cannonball

As you struggle to fit the mold that she's created, I burn away in the back struggling to find something to hate

And I know that I'm better than anyone's second place prize, that gets me nothing but a ribbon and pitied glances from the side

I wait and try to say that I'm ok, that I'm here and I'm just your friend. But that's a lie that you know is a lie but you continue to pretend

I shouldn't have to convince you that you want to be with me. So just go on, take her, live your life, be free

After all that we have been through, no we can't be friends if you're with her. You flow through my veins, your name's etched in my heart, can't go back to before you were

All I want is to love you and that's the last thing on her mind, a convenience, a comfort, a useful thing, a boost to her inflated pride

It drops my heart to hear you speak her name, but even worse is how much I love all of the man she's struggling to change

You're still chasing her, I'm still waiting at the starting line. It's not fair to be in a race I can't run, it's getting dark and you're just burning time

These are secrets I'm tired of being told. The same story, the confusion is starting to get so old
-ABH-

Beautiful Dreamer

When the dark starts to chill you and your thoughts make you feel alone

I’ll put sunshine in my fingers ‘til the beams glow from your bones

I'll bring you the morning sun when you think you can’t stand the night

And try to keep my voice steady when I promise you that "it's fine, I'm alright”

You may not know the value of the diamonds I place at your feet

But I will hold you when you’re crying until their dust dances down your street

I’ll lasso the moon and force it to smile down on your tired and lonely head

And wrap my hand 'round your sweet face when you’re drowsy in your bed

If ivy is all that's growing around you when orchid and iris make your heart pound

Then I'll sprinkle seeds, plant bulbs, and weave color so you'll always have beauty around

So when this confusion shakes my deepest core just curl me all up in you

I’ll pick you a million daisies when my pounding heart is through

-ABH-

I Can't Find Sleep

I used to write
I used to write letters, I used to sign my name
I used to sleep at night
Before the flashing light settled deep in my brain

But by the time we met, by the time we met
The times had already changed
So I never wrote a letter
I never took my true heart, I never wrote it down
So when the lights cut out
I was lost standing in the wilderness downtown

Now our lives are changing fast
Now our lives are changing fast
Hope that something pure can last
Hope that something pure can last

It may seem strange
How we used to wait for letters to arrive
But what's stranger still
Is how something so small can keep you alive

We used to wait
We used to waste hours just walking around
We used to wait
All those wasted lives in the wilderness downtown

We used to wait
We used to wait
We used to wait

Sometimes it never came
Sometimes it never came
Still moving through the pain

I'm gonna write a letter to my true love
I'm gonna sign my name
Like a patient on a table
I wanna walk again, gonna move through the pain

Now our lives are changing fast
Now our lives are changing fast
Hope that something pure can last
Hope that something pure can last

We used to wait
We used to wait
We used to wait

Sometimes it never came
Sometimes it never came
Still moving through the pain

We used to wait
We used to wait
We used to wait

We used to wait for it
We used to wait for it
And now they're screaming:"Sing the chorus again!"

We used to wait for it
We used to wait for it
And now we're screaming:"Sing the chorus again!"

I used to wait for it
I used to wait for it
Hear my voice screaming:"Sing the chorus again!"

Wait for it!
Wait for it!
Wait for it!
-ARCADE FIRE-

Damien Rice - Grey room (unofficial)

Bob Dylan - Not Dark Yet

Texties That Make Me :)

Hi it's Ross. Just wanted to let you know we missed you on Sunday! Jul 12, 2010

Too funny was just makin fun of those commercials. Forgot the two for price of one! :) Jul 17, 2010

Filled with anger right now Jul 19, 2010

Good Lord. You are busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest. Jul 21, 2010

Ahh...poor bee..now its gonna die...:) on a serious note that particular bee deserves to die...did u get the stinger out? Jul 24, 2010

Wana hike Thursday around 3? Hike to lake, jump in lake? Aug 2,2010

Know the feeling when i try to change channels with telephone. I don't have crazy schedule to blame..:P don't respond to this text..:)..:)

I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aug 3, 2010

Dude, there is the craziest delay. Let us know what u all want to do. Luv to see u saucy gals. Aug 4, 2010

Still comin' up tomorrow? Aug 5, 2010

Poor baby. You will make it. Just breathe and read some trashy material. Did I mention Cory is a gay hooker? Aug 5, 2010

Really cuz I just squeezed a little brown one in my pants Aug 6, 2010

My 2 precious girls Aug 7, 2010

We just went over a big dam reservoir Aug 8, 2010

My butt typed most of that Aug 12, 2010

I hate tunder! Oh noooo. Isth terrifying. Aug 13, 2010

I'm going to climb your anger wall one day and it will be glorious! Aug 14, 2010

Mmm...fizzy skittles...That's ur new nickname by the way :-)
1. Cuz ur spunky & fruity 2. u know ur a success whn u share names w/a candy! Aug 16, 2010

Be calm and have a cupcake. Aug 17, 2010

I need tissue Aug 18, 2010

Haha. Bad cat. But how will I claw your boobies big breasted lady? - DJ
I'm so depressed. First my nuts, now dis Aug 19, 2010

That melon is delicious! You should get you a big juicy slice! Aug 22, 2010

O calm down and get over it! Hehe
Well I love you... Aug 22, 2010

Sorry. Forgot to call you. We made it. Had fun with you! Love you! Aug 22, 2010

That's what happens when your a popular person that has a ton on their plate :) Aug 24, 2010

Picture this. The hunter with deer head and gun sitting on toilet. Of course dodo is in toilet. Hunter's pants down around his feet. Will have to get kacky colored pants to stuff to make bottom half of body so hunter camoflauge can be down Aug 24, 2010

not a good sign..shouldda been pondering what we just read..yup not a good sign Aug 24, 2010

dont think you will outgrow it..nope. Aug 24, 2010

well im 68 so think its a talent one is born with..u have an abundance of talent and creativity in the fun dpt. I luv how u cant help smiling no matter what happens to u..well i will say good night so we can stop texting and go to bed...goodnight.. Aug 24, 2010

Yes. Yes. And perhaps you could get some tse tse flies too... Aug 26, 2010

You are both awesome. You make me so proud :-) Aug 27, 2010

I just went to the bathroom and scared myself in the mirror. Ha. Sep 8, 2010

It's gonna be ok Sep 10, 2010

Im already here!!! Sep 10, 2010 5:14am

Got my CHINESE FOOD woo Sep 10, 2010

Yo Brookala! Missin you up in Dickson! Going to have to do sompthin soon girl. Guess I need to make my way down there so we can bless the rains down in Memphis. Sep 11, 2010

It's coffee and sanding time my little Smurfs Sep 14, 2010

Don't let him try and give you a shot of whiskey and amputate anything...
Well at least you have your legs, I guess... The South's gonna rise again! Dammit! Sep 17, 2010

Me so o jist emailed to to hrt Sep 20, 2010 2:05am

So any plans for your last hours as a 26 yr old :) Sep 20, 2010

27? Sep 21, 2010

Well sparky happy 27th! Sep 21, 2010

I couldn't wear it :'( seems im a dd and they dont come that big. There is no way these tube socks r dd's :-S Sep 21, 2010

You r way bigger! Probably cause i have to wad em up and stuff em in Sep 21, 2010

2 words...mule jump Sep 23, 2010

who? Tina? (when I asked guess who started an iv today and got it on the first try??)
Wow, I actually thought it was you, I was just trying to be funny...haha :)
I was JK, that I was JK :) Sep 24, 2010

Great news scratchy Sep 30, 2010

look out maggie i think i got something to say to u. its late september and i really should be back in school. Ok so ur not maggie..but its late september and u r going to class tonight...:) (to which I said, "You're so weird")
thats why u luv me. i think Sep 30, 2010

Gotta love mom & dad! Sep 30, 2010

Oh well too late...Sock monkeys are crashing Oct 1, 2010

I love you too much. Im sorry I was mean. Im just trying to keep my head up. THats all. Dont be sad about me. Im still here Oct 2, 2010

I'm sorry to stress you out about his but this is something I've dreamed about since I was a little boy and it's finally coming true. Oct 8, 2010

One tooth came in today again lookin mighty fine. She had it all shined up! Oct 8, 2010

Am so excited and I just can't hide it. Am about to lose control and I think I like it. Good morning good morning good morning!!! Oct 9, 2010

In The Ghetto

It's one of those fun shuffle your iPod games. Everybody should know I'm a sucker for these. Here goes..

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS, “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Jo Meri Rooh Ko (Well, that's about right)



2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?

Flowers In The Windows



3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?

Ignorance (oh dear, but mostly true! HA)



4. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?

Pistola (um, once again, oh dear)



5. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?

Southern Girl (yee haw)



6. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?

Incomplete



7. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN?

Dangerous



8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?

Heaven's Dead



9. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

Savior



10. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?

Rock Steady



11. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

Broken (um, well not so much)


12. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

If You Can't Slow Down



13. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?

Love Hurts



14. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?

Morningstar



15. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?

Nobody Puts Baby In the Corner (or in the ground apparently)



16. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?

The Terrible Secret (pole dancing..I'llllll never telllll)



17. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?

Open Book



18. WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?

T'es beau, tu sais



19. HOW WILL YOU DIE?

Beautiful Day (Well at least I have that..)



20. WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?

Keep Feeling Fascination (That'll get ya every time)



21. WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?

Timing is Reason



22. WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?

Number Five With A Bullet



23. WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?

Pilgrim(That doesn't sound hopeful)



24. WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?

Maybe(that's actually a good one!)



25. DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?

Don't Leave Home(Well looks like mom and daddy do! Yeah I'm 50 and live at home! You got a problem with that punk??!!)



26. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?

I Only Have Eyes For You (crap)



27. WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?

Heartbreaker



28. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?

In the Ghetto