What always happens. Life.

"I love his smile. I love his hair. I love his knees. I love how he licks his lips before he talks. I love his heart-shaped birthmark on his neck. I love it when he sleeps.

I hate his crooked teeth. I hate his 1960s haircut. I hate his knobby knees. I hate his cockroach-shaped splotch on his neck. I hate the way he smacks his lips before he talks. I hate the way he sounds when he laughs.

I HATE THIS SONG!!"

The Scabies or Not the Scabies, That Is the Question

This is gross, but I feel I must share. 4 Friday's ago, while I was at clinical, I began to scratch furiously at my lower back. I kept scratching and scratching until finally I got the brains to ask a classmate to check out my back. Apparently it's "covered in little red bumps and super red." So I'm thinking to myself, "Self, you're super stressed out and hot in this hellacious uniform(note the sexy picture) they make us wear, so I'm probably breaking out in a rash because of that." So, this lovely rash spreads up my back...and onto my arms...and my hip bones...and the back of my thighs...and my stomach. I made one trip to the doctor I used to go to when I was little, because he could get me in sooner than my regular doctor. This man is a tried and true Southerner, that loves the South, rebel flags, guns, and I've never asked, but probably has a mom tattoo somewhere. He also loves to cuss. You can pretty much guarantee a visit to him means hearing some wordy durds. I'm actually pretty upset if I don't hear any while I'm there...Is that bad? After waiting for hours....he comes in and looks at it, tells me it's a contact dermatitis, orders a Cortisone shot for my butt, and a 7 day steroid pack for good measure. I ask, "Do you think it's from stress? What do you think caused me to just break out like this?", to which he replied, "HELL!! You might never know what caused the damn thing!" YESSSSSSS......So there you have it, I am officially a nerd that has developed allergies to some "damn" something or other. I went to my regular doctor who wasn't sure what it was either, but sent me to get an ultrasound on my lower leg because it has decided to go numb...for whatever reason. Apparently my body is revolting against itself?? Anywho, no blood clot, just a dumb numb leg and this rash. So I call back a couple days later and tell her it's still here, and spreading. She calls and makes an appointment with a dermatologist. I go to said dermatologist, who happens to be a nurse practitioner, and fill out the three hundred sheets of paperwork that ask you everything from whether you've had cancer to warts in your nostrils. "No, No, No, No, No, No, No, None, None, What tha?????, No, No, Asthma, The End." So I bring the paperwork back and they tell me they have to have a picture of me made for their computer. Why does no one tell you these things? So after I take the shocked, freshly born rat(what with all the pink itchiness), cavewoman, that's very confused as to where she is picture, they call me back. I sit in this random upright huge chair that would accommodate a Sumo wrestler, and stare at the very blank, dull walls. They really should put some things on the walls or ceiling or something. I mean, anyone that's in this room with nothing to look at is wondering to themselves, "Can you get the chicken pox twice? Do flea bites really look this bad? Who did I sleep with that gave me these lesions? or in my case..."Maybe the doc was wrong! Maybe one of my patients gave me the scabies and they have already started creeping, crawling, and building tunneling systems..." "Hi, so what brings you in today?" I reply, "Oh, this rash...yadda yadda..." I tell when it started, how I want to throw my skin in a vat of oil and then the washing machine and hopefully stop this accursed itching that is the worst itch of my life, etc.. She looks at it, immediately pulls out a notepad, writes a prescription for a cream and tells me how important it is to keep calm,(YA THINK??!!)gets up from her chair and acts like she's about to walk out. I stop her. "Um, so uh, this isn't scabies?? I mean, I itch like nobody's business and I've heard they itch really bad. And I DO work in a hospital." "No, not scabies for sure. You're not itching between your fingers right?" "Nope" "Well, doesn't look like scabies and you'd itch between your fingers for sure." I start to feel cheated of my money immediately and before she can leave the room I pull my shirt up and say, " Hey! Would you check out this mole?!" And of course, one glance says it's fine and dandy. Well, that's good at least. One more reason to "stay calm." Anyways, my prescription is this steroid business in a base of thick petroleum jelly type loveliness that I am to smear all over affected areas(aka my entire freaking body) twice daily. That's right, you got it, petroleum jelly smeared all over your body twice daily. Oh yeah... I randomly glance at my arms and think "Oh dear God! First the rash and now I'm growing ridiculous amounts of baby arm hair!??!!!??....Oh....that's just every random fuzz that came within 10 feet of me today stuck in my steroid cream." So finally I decide that it is my laundry detergent that I'm allergic to. I'm 90% sure I'm right with this because the other day I put on my Tigers hoodie that well, I haven't washed since last Winter...so sue me...and my arms start flaring up and itching like a band of dirty hippies. The rash is going crazy and having a party. I take off the hoodie, wash my arms, put on a freshly washed( in sensitive skin detergent with no smells etc...awwww how sweet) sweater and a few minutes later, vwala!! no more itching. So I'm gradually washing all my stuff in my new Charlies sensitive skin wash powder I got from Whole Foods.(Gentle enough for babies!! That should do it!) So that's my saga. I am currently itch free and fading off of the goo cream. I bought some new body wash that's hypoallergenic and lavender scented(how soothing-aww) and use that combined with my gentle skin wash the worthless dermatologist practitioner lady gave me. I haven't used perfume in weeks(SUCKS!) and am gradually incorporating my JASON all natural Vanilla lotion in with my Eucerin (yousoitchy nuttinelseworks)lotion.I guess all that's left to say is, thank God in heaven it's not the scabies!

Congratulations Are In Order

To my friend who left me in the lurch and who left me alone to crawl
To my friend who burned me at the stake and grinned as she watched my body fall

For my friend who threw poison darts in my back and responded with a shocked "gasp!!"
For my friend who heard them all talk and responded with a full hearty laugh

My dear friend that slapped me over and over, you truly deserve an award
My dear friend my stupidity was more than a deserved reward

To the friends that made sure the swift hand of justice came down hard as I lay dying
To the friends who threw me to wolves because my broken heart was "just lying"

For all of the friends who hear whispers and think that they truly know who I am
For all of the friends who turn their backs and think that I'm just a scam

My hat goes off to all of you friends, for you've truly put us through hell
Working long hours kicking me when I'm down, you've all done your job so well

Maybe when someone I love has died and our hearts are lurching across the floor
You can spit on her grave, shake your heads in disgust, and know that we still deserve more

-ABH-

Daisy

And we sing this morning that wonderful and grand old message.
And I don't know about you but I never get tired of it
Number 99: Just As I Am.

I'm a mountain that has been moved
I'm a river that is all dried up
I'm an ocean nothing floats on
I'm a sky that nothing wants to fly in
I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot
I'm a moon that never shows its face
I'm a mouth that doesn't smile
I'm a word that no one ever wants to say...

(Uh, uh, by the will of thee
He wasn't finding anybody when he was on a shelf
I saw him in my dream)

I'm a mountain that has been moved
I'm a fugitive that has no legs to run
I'm a preacher with no pulpit
Spewing a sermon that goes on and on...

Well if we take all these things and we bury them fast
And we'll pray that they turn to seeds, to roots and then grass
It'd be all right, it's all right, it'd be easier that way
Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain
Like you knew he was trying to start things over again
It'd be all right, it's all right, it'd be easier that way

Well if we take all these things and we bury them fast
And we'll pray that they turn to seeds, to roots and then grass
It'd be all right, it's all right, it'd be easier that way
Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain
Like you knew he was trying to start things over again
It'd be all right, it's all right, it'd be easier that way

(You've done enough to be saved
But you're gonna miss out
Now you don't know your rights from your wrongs
It's the greatest of love
Now don't say you'll be there and then leave
Or don't mention all the hurt that you've seen
Or don't say he's in love
It's the greatest of love)

Good Clean Fun (Well, Sort Of)

(I started this post some time ago....DOH!)You know those times when you have kids in your group and you end up doing something that you haven't done since you were a kid yourself? I've been thinking about all that fun stuff lately. For instance, yesterday was our dear friends Tommy and Deone Spencer's 36th anniversary and we all went to the Kooky Kanuck to celebrate. Well, the table across from us had several kids that obviously "belonged" to the parents and then a few other friends that had come along. The parents ordered Shirley Temple's all around and when they came out, those kids acted like it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. And as I watched them, I remembered feeling that same way. Back when getting your sugar water with extra sugar water AND cherries in it was a HUGE deal. It's never on the menu of any restaurant but everybody knows what it is. I even thought it was so fancy just the sound of ordering one. "I'd like a Shirley Temple, please."

Or what about the sheer amount of joy that rushed through your veins when you got to run through a sprinkler....in your clothes!!??! This is something that grown-ups never consider doing. We don't want to get our makeup runny, mess up our hair, or God forbid, look like foolish kids. Well, a few weeks ago, I was with my niece and nephew at a free kids show held here. It was one of those typical Southern Summer days where the wind stays put, the sun is beaming from ear to ear, the Cicadas are singing their loud, clear song, and no one moves too fast to get where they're going. Needless to say, the crowd was glistening from every angle. Well, there at the bottom of the hill, someone had placed a water sprinkler for the kids to cool off in.
Now, it has been probably 15 years since I've had a Shirley Temple and I think that's a big fat shame. And I wished I had gotten one instead of my beer, just because. And at that concert for the kids, I considered not getting in that sprinkler, but I did it. And ooooh it felt so good. Their mom, my sister, and I kept running down the hill with the kids and getting in the sprinkler when we got hot. It made me feel like a kid again.
This brings me to my antics the other night. Let me back up a little. I was coming home from a late class the other night and I noticed that someone had rolled a tree in our front yard. It was a most peculiar rolling, only one tree. Well we found out who did it and so we concocted a plan to get her back. Get her back we did. The pictures you see are our devilish attacks on a not so innocent friend. ;) I got the whole plan together and was quite proud of myself. They were showing Sabrina at the Summer movie series at the Orpheum and before the movie, offering a wine tasting. I enlisted the help of another dear friend who took "Lil' D"* to the movie for a girls night, where we all met up with her after we had done the damage. "Fancy seeing you here!" We all acted so innocent. Well, after the movie was over, we followed them home from afar. I don't know if it was more fun putting the toilet paper and paper towels all over everything or hearing her reaction later when she called us laughing hysterically. And one of the greatest parts is we show up to the house and no one is supposed to be home. Well, her husband was back in town unexpectedly and he came outside and saw us. My dear sweet mom who would give the shirt off of her back to anyone, and doesn't have a mean bone in her body I'm sure of it, marched right up to him and asked if we could roll the yard. He promptly said, "no." "Lil' M" looked shocked and turned to another one of our bandits and said, "Huh! He said we can't roll it!!!" She was so disappointed. Well, my sweet mom steps in again and says, "Well, she rolled mine!!" And so he said, "ha..ok." And we got to rollin'. I was so proud...

*names have been changed to protect the innocent ;)

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

Fo sho fo sho? Or the oh shat I have no money fo sho? Mar 5, 2010

Yeah me too :) Mar 7, 2010

thats real progress. i see light....kiss my grits is just around the corner Mar 10, 2010

what does :p mean? Mar 10, 2010

Glad you came up. Can't wait to see ya tomorrow :) Mar 11, 2010

New place in Franklin. I miss hanging with you already Mar 15, 2010

sorry ur having to work so late. but if you crazy italians dont get a move on u wont find a restaurant open. just wee bit late for this old gal...what a surprise :) Mar 16, 2010

Hi moose. Im a hard working monkey. I use a black key board and sit on my butt all day. Dware dware dware. Mar 17, 2010

Its a guitar! Gah! Mar 17,2010

Tommy is putting on multiple coats and applications of bondo Mar 19, 2010

Your father is a liar from the pits of HELL. I only have one application to be followed by a second!!!!! Mar 19, 2010

Good deal! U should have kept them as souvenirs. Mar 19, 2010

Just made it to LA Mar 19, 2010

I'm out. Getting on plane now. See ya in may Mar 20, 2010

ok you poop heads. cant keep us with this old gal huh! Mar 27, 2010

Looks like u won't be dancing naked after all. Yippie!!!!!! Nn Mar 27, 2010

I was so excited I added a Nn for no reason Mar 27, 2010

The fuzzy meatball makes a most excellent pillow. I guess we can keep her. Mar 28, 2010

okie dokie artichokie Mar 31, 2010

I am working always working working night and day(working night and day) Apr 2, 2010

ill give u my file if u ever take a phsc class..:) Apr 9, 2010

That sounds like fun. Just let us know. I will hold my breath until I hear from you. :) Apr 16, 2010

It will be nice!!!! Weve missed ya so much we decided to wait for ya! Hahahahahahahaheheheehee :) Apr 19, 2010

He says hi back. Puke puke Apr 28, 2010

ok..just because i luv u wont report u to "disgusting room elder" May 3, 2010

Oh but I agree. U have made me smile today...thanks May 4, 2010

What if I want to be a rebel and wear a floral shirt? :) May 5, 2010

just curious. i have vowed never to get in a swim suit again in front of anyone this side of armageddon. my legs are hideous..i need my own private pool or wet suit.. May 7, 2010

i had thunder thighs that turned into moon craters..bet u cant top that May 7, 2010

Made it to LAX hooked :) May 8, 2010

Hooker sans auto correct May 8, 2010

Hahaha! I get to go to dinner with todd william! :) May 8,2010

Oh get over it! :) May 8, 2010

Guess what someone took my magnet off my car!!! I can not believe someone would take someone else's property like that. It's terrible. May 12, 2010

can we work together? one of those days i want my comfort zone...:) May 12, 2010

U w Madie? I got stumping for you...:-) May 12, 2010
Sumpin...actually May 12, 2010
Rev. 4:8..the angels words are your clue May 12, 2010

Okra not the slimey version green beans squash corn May 13, 2010

yes..i have a long record of hanging out with fakers..i have served my time and then some..i luv u too...get back to ur wild weekend and thanks for being the kind of friend u r... May 15, 2010

...but thanks for being "brooke" :) May 19, 2010

...p.s. just in case u and tina want 2 bring me next stray dog u find..2 dogs is perfect no. for me..thought i better put that out there asap..just in case that thought was already rolling around in ur head..:)..:) May 19, 2010

Yowza. I racked myself on the diving board when i was little. Peeing was excruciating. May 20, 2010

Yeah. Finding such imaginative ways to injure the lady bits is humurous. Remember when I scalded mine with coffee? Ouch. May 20, 2010

This is nt an insult to u at all but i think ur skin color is pale enough to pass off as a dead body XD May 20, 2010

U dark yet? Laying out now in sweltering heat gettin darker :) May 26, 2010

oh no..now im gonna get a call from jail..trespassing on private property. or text message that says wire money for bail.... May 27, 2010

I said you were a keeper, that I liked you and that you had a one of a kind personality lol June 6, 2010

GOd! My boobs itch! I want to just scratch at them but my cube neighbor already thinks im weird June 6, 2010

Oh yeah. You are a dog-napper Jun 2, 2010

Enjoyed looking at your trip photos the other night. Talk to u later crazy girl. Love u lots. June 2, 2010

For ransom one huge a flower last known location Dickson June 5, 2010

A cookie June 5, 2010

For The Love Of Alanis

One day I'll find relief
I'll be arrived
And I'll be a friend to my friends who know how to be friends
One day I'll be at peace
I'll be enlightened and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt
One day I will be healed
I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

One day my mind will retreat
And I'll know God
And I'll be constantly one with her night dusk and day
One day I'll be secure
Like the women I see on their thirtieth anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding
Ever expanding
Ever adventurous
And torturous
And never done

One day I will speak freely
I'll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art
One day I will be faith-filled
I'll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and home

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete