Still Here

Waiting for the breath to return to my lungs
Desperate for my clouded heart to let in the sun

I am broken and can't find my pieces and I admit I've lost the desire
Can't keep up with this race in my mind
Feel like I'm running, going nowhere and it keeps me so tired

I fell for you and it seems I can't get up
Left down here feeling not quite good enough

You've made my food lose it's taste
I eat because I should
I am filled up with the memory of your face

I felt something break when you said you need to get over me
Pictured you building a bridge over this tumultuous sea

My desire to love has been stabbed
I never again want to feel this deep, this vulnerable,
impoverished, depleted, and flat

Time and again you hurt me with the word "distraction" thrown in my face
It seems that's a role I fulfilled for you
My only place

I'm so sick of having anyone's pity, and coming from you the biggest wound to my pride
Bleeding my starving heart, making sure it doesn't get what it desires

I don't want to move on
I love you too much to even breathe
It's not just my new found allergy to tequila and has only a small thing to do with this heat

This misery and torture unnerves me
These words that I write are not just words
This is my heart pounding, head turning, blood flowing
This... is my hurt
-ABH-

Just These Small Things

Please don't make me get over you
I promise to lay quietly still
Please let me lie inaudibly beneath you
For I'm sure that I am strong enough willed

I won't ask but a few small things from you dear
You won't even notice this pitiful ghost
If you could let it just shadow you on lonely days
It promises to make sure and not get too close

My body simply asks to revel in your presence
And picture visions of you pumping it's veins
It implores you to let it keep pretending
It's not lying in our sweet love's remains

My days can't stand the din of our silence
They've become far too used to our sound
So they ask as your eyes dance over your stories and verses,
"Would you once in a while read some pages aloud?"

My ears entreat you to hear your voice my love
You see, they have no way to even reply
My arms would like to pretend they can still wrap around you
When clouds form blue rain drops in your eyes

My fingers beseech you to let them dance with your brushes
And curl themselves around your palette with care
They'll maybe feel your creative frustrations
And it'll be like your fingers are there

My mouth is by far the most demanding
It refuses anything less than what it had
Perhaps you could just humor it with yours every so often
Only so it is not overwhelmingly sad

It's becoming quite clear to me I'm no good overseeing this dreadful task
So please sir, may I be excused?
There must be thousands better than these
Willing to work at this and leave me undisturbed and bemused
-ABH-

Tumultous Ambivelance

Precious love, I dearly hate you
Precious love, you're done wrecking my head
Precious love too long I've let you
Fool me with the sweet words you've said

Dear friend I truly despise her
Dear friend have fun being played
Dear friend I hope you enjoy her
Once she's done playing games with your head

This girl loves to play the fiddle
This girl who must steal the show
Dear girl I'm tired of the middle
Take your treat, wag your tail, and just go

Dear love I'm sick of your false confessions
Dear love I forfeit your game
Dear love, your false words disgust me
I'm done with you find a new pliable aim

Sweet words you mean nothing to me
Sweet words you're dust in the wind
Sweet words you're the best taste in my mouth
Until I realize you're nothing but air again

Delicious kiss you're the ultimate fraud
Delicious kiss I wish I could forget your taste
Delicious kiss my mouth must forget you
For all your passion was a waste

Divine memories please leave me
Divine memories float out of my head
Divine memories, please God help me
Make up some bad ones of you instead

Dear "us" you're especially hurtful
Dear "us" can't believe you had the gall
Dear "us" I refuse to walk toward you
For you just like to laugh when I fall

Evil end I knew we'd be reunited
Evil end I thought I'd let you go
Evil end I truly hate you
Just thought you might like to know
-ABH-

Who Needs Rescuing?

Stuck in misery's purgatory I sludge through these days not knowing what to feel
Up but mostly down, sometimes happy but mostly sad, torn over which is real

A snail's pace of moving on but staying put and trying to decide which half of the fork to travel
Keeping my sanity perfectly intact as the ends are lost, it steadily frays and unravels

Missing your face but trying to force it out of my head.. yet make it stay
Wanting to do nothing but run to you yet trying to crawl any other way

Being forced to keep remembering the day we met, my yellow sweater, "hey you"
Hearing your voice, touching your skin, "you're not so tall", getting drunk off all the new

I can't escape you even at night when I lay on my right side to not feel my heart pound
I scream and cry, my blood pounds my head to wake me from my dream's awful sounds
-ABH-

By Your Window

So no, you didn't expect me
The sun, the rain, or the storm
Well, I never anticipated feeling each of those in your arms

Maybe I came when I did just to make you smile
or to deflect some of your pain
Or maybe what happens every moment we're together
is as unexplainable and rare as the sun beaming down through the rain

I don't know what to tell you to do now
I can't explain how this got so swiftly so deep
This isn't like me
But I've been besotted by you by day
and by night you permeate my sleep

So I don't know what to make of your words
It wasn't my intention to make you decide
I'm so sorry that I can't keep my patience intact
and suppress all these feelings inside

So to say that I'm changed by you as well
and that I'll never be the same isn't enough
You've torrefied my soul my love
I've given up fighting the flames
-ABH-

Cannonball

As you struggle to fit the mold that she's created, I burn away in the back struggling to find something to hate

And I know that I'm better than anyone's second place prize, that gets me nothing but a ribbon and pitied glances from the side

I wait and try to say that I'm ok, that I'm here and I'm just your friend. But that's a lie that you know is a lie but you continue to pretend

I shouldn't have to convince you that you want to be with me. So just go on, take her, live your life, be free

After all that we have been through, no we can't be friends if you're with her. You flow through my veins, your name's etched in my heart, can't go back to before you were

All I want is to love you and that's the last thing on her mind, a convenience, a comfort, a useful thing, a boost to her inflated pride

It drops my heart to hear you speak her name, but even worse is how much I love all of the man she's struggling to change

You're still chasing her, I'm still waiting at the starting line. It's not fair to be in a race I can't run, it's getting dark and you're just burning time

These are secrets I'm tired of being told. The same story, the confusion is starting to get so old
-ABH-